Fork In the Road

I thought I would have the right kind of motivation to blog about this but as of now I feel emotionally drained. But I don't care. Pretty or ugly writing, it doesn't matter. I have to let this out tonight.

This is the first time I ever felt so spiritually confused. I have been raised in the same church for more or less ten years now. I started being active, or "on fire" as what they would call it when I joined the youth ministry 6 years ago. As a growing person, I faced many challenges, temptations, and series of minor backslides but I was never totally led away. I thank God that He loved me enough to pull me back to Him whenever I tested the waters of sin.

I love my church, I love the people in it, I love how we all learn to grow in the Lord. As the years passed by, I learned to mature in this aspect of my life. I love my faith the way it is, because I knew in my heart that is what God wanted me to know.

But lately, it only took me six days to be perplexed, to question myself if I am truly, perseveringly, Biblically following Christ's teachings. Do I really love God, enough to question my own church's teachings and to see if they are Biblically grounded and correctly interpreted?

This six-day journey of mine showed the loopholes of the beliefs I grew up on. They taught me that my beliefs were basically correct, but not strongly emphasized and many parts are neglected--and it reflected how I see many of us, who called ourselves "Christians" in this church and the similar churches we are in. Don't you notice? We often backslide, come back to the world, and later ask God for redemption and forgiveness. Shouldn't this cycle be stopped? And why is this always happening?

I think this is because we don't fully, wholeheartedly follow Christ's teachings.

I am hurt because I am drawn to this. It was not my intention, I was just there to listen and observe. But now it has come to this point. And I ask God why did He allow such things to come into my life. Why, Lord? Why did You let this happen?

There are no handsome guys in that place. There is no "cool crowd". There is no "rockin' praise music". Heck, there's not even an air conditioner!

It's just God and His Word.

It's just Jesus and His teachings.

In its fullest sense. Nothing else.

And maybe that's why I am so drawn.

But I wonder why am I so torn. Why am I in pain. Shouldn't I be peaceful when find something true and worthwhile?

Maybe because being part of it requires such a big and painful sacrifice in my part. It requires me leaving my present church. It requires me leaving the place with people I have come to know and love and share my life with. These people also love the Lord. And leaving them is something too painful for me just to imagine.

It also requires the suicide of a big part of my personality (how I look, the way I dress), a big part of who I am known to be.

It's like leaving many things--who you are, what you know, and what's in your heart--in exchange for this.

I also wonder if God would condemn me if I don't become part of this. I don't know if it was God who led me to this, or is it just my own doing that encouraged me to read the Bible more, pray earnestly, and to be steadfast in my words and actions as a Christian.

What do You want?

And that's why I am confused. Please help me, Lord. I want to be enlightened. Teach me, guide me where You want me to go.

-Geline