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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Fire

April 28, 2010. 2:48 AM.
Sleep is a good thing for me when I get sad. In that span of time, all sorts of feelings--hurt, anger, disillusionment and loneliness--they all drift away as if I drank a magic pill that would cure all those negative emotions.
But when I'm awake, that same feeling starts rushing back in like a tsunami--fierce and strong, ready to tear me down.
It's hard to make that one final move. One final move to save myself from the emotional torture I've tolerated over and over again just because I loved this person like a brother I never had. A brother that I accepted, trusted, cared about, prayed about, smiled with, laughed with, hung out with, talked with, and now, cried about.
But it's also hard to fight for a person who wouldn't truly fight for your friendship. Someone who wouldn't take a solid and blunt stand even if he knows what truly damages and sabotages your beautiful relationship.
Someone who still involves himself in unusual ways to another person that he claims to be an "ex" and yet that same "ex" tells me over and over again to stay away and not talk to her "ex" as if I'm a third wheel.
Fire will keep on burning until you make a strong, motivated decision to go out there, get an extinguisher and make it stop.
And so I had to be the one to go out there and get that extinguisher to end it once and for all even if wasn't the fire that I wanted to die--because that's the only one I have to capability to end. The one between you and me. Not between you and anyone else.
Hey, at least it saved all of us from burning.
There's so many things I want to say and so many questions I want to be answered but I would just hurt myself trying to. Give me one reason to still believe that things would change for me and for you.
Because if you can't give me any, I will hold strong to what I see that I'm doing both of us a favor.

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