Soiled Pillow

I broke the fast when I said that I won't be going online for a week. I opened all my accounts, peeked at them, but I was either invisible, or pretending to be offline.

Tonight I went home with a heavy heart. I cannot completely describe what I feel right now, but I think the best way to describe this feeling is that someone's disappointed with me. And it's not just a "someone". I felt like it was God.

If you could see the scenario today, you can almost sense that I'm a productive person in a spiritual realm--I led my own discipleship group, I hosted the youth fellowship, I became spontaneous with a lot of people who wanted to know more about this whole thing I'm in. Many people might be happy for me, that I'm doing this, that I'm growing, etc. etc.

But I couldn't understand why now I'm alone in my room and I feel like I've failed in all of them miserably. I feel like someone's nagging me in my head, telling me that I'm just doing this because I want to be noticed. Like I want to appear that I'm good with something so that people would notice what kind of person I am. I couldn't pray because I keep crying when I do.

Like I feel there's some people who think I'm just doing this because I want to be known and I want to be popular. I couldn't understand what I'm thinking about, even right now. I can't bring myself to sleep just thinking about it.

I feel like God was disappointed in me in the same way I'm disappointed with myself. Like someone's nagging me in my head that my motives were selfish, like I'm just showing off. And it made me cry.

I don't know if it's the enemy trying to discourage me with these bizarre feeling but it made me cry because I knew deep down in my heart that it's partly true. Like the enemy was right. Like he's laughing at me right now, like showing me that I'm incapable of genuinely serving God. And it just breaks me to feel this way.

Maybe God brought me through this kind of feeling to realize my mistakes and do this for the right reasons.

I don't want to think of anything else but to please You. Purify my heart, correct my motives in my service to You. Don't let the enemy discourage me, Lord. Please make me feel that I'm doing this just for You, and You alone. Help me to always love You, to think about You, to obey what You ask of me. Help me not to care what other people say, or don't make me feel discouraged with my own made-up thoughts. Strengthen my faith, let others see that faith in me. Not just in my words, but in my whole life. Give me a heart that chooses You above anything, or anyone.

Amen.