I think this is one of the loneliest Fridays of my life. I'm alone here in the dorm with no one to talk to. I would rather do anything than study since I'm already reaching my threshold of diligence. Take note though, that I am not depressed, in fact I feel fine. This whole week reminded me of how I used to be when I was a college freshman--the alone and contemplative me.
I have been fasting for four days already, and I'm down to my last three days. You're probably wondering what I'm fasting on. Not food, since I need the strength for my finals; but rather a person. It kind of touched and amazed me that it was his idea to fast on each other--a sign that he wants to be mature with these matters. We realized that we're both eating up some of each other's time that we both could've spent with God. So this week, we decided to spend time apart by not contacting each other, and use it to pray and read the Bible more.
For these past few days I had a series of "heart checks" and I realized how distant I am again with Him because of my workload in school. I have been insensitive to His call due to other things that preoccupy me. And it's hard because it's also an urgent priority--my studies. A lot of my grades have been in the borderline and I must work hard to even just keep it there.
A lot of people don't understand why I can't go to this or that, or why can't I go online, or why I can't go out with them. They think I'm just making up my "business". For the record, why don't you try being in my shoes? Just for once you'll get a taste of this academic hardship I'm going through. There's no week where I did not stay up late to study for an exam, no week where I didn't pull a handout or a book in my desk. In fact, most days of my week are spent in feelings of being pressured and panicking because of my exams. My roommates can testify to that. Try having a 70% passing standard. A lot of you complain with the 60% passing, but just try being in my shoes. And even if you tell me that this is nothing compared with the problems that I will have in the future, the pressure is still draining my energy and my self-esteem in great amounts. I just can't wait for everything to be over so that I'll have the time in my hands, so that I can spend more time with my family, friends, and most especially with God. It's difficult. It really is.
Anyway, enough about the school rants. So as a consequence of that business, I have neglected numerous quiet times and if I did have one, it wasn't as meaningful as I did it when I was less busy. Before, I used to go to my brother's room because I can see the sunset in the horizon when I do my quiet time there. I have always marvelled at the thought that Someone like Him who could create the beautiful universe would even bother to think of, more so save someone like me, gullible and vulnerable me, who is probably nothing more than a withering plant that comes and goes.
And so I realized a lot of things. And I want to change. I want to be more like Him. I want to grow. But I hope this won't stay as wishful thinking. I hope He gives me the strength, and I'd have the persistence to work on it too, to overcome temptation, and to reflect His character in my life.
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