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| An array of Valentine's Day-connotated candy decor. (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
The recently celebrated Valentines Day increased my awareness of my current singleness. On that Friday morning just outside our subdivision, I saw a girl being surprised by her boyfriend with a bouquet of flowers on the sidewalk. The sight made me smile despite the fact that I'm not the girl being surprised.
I used to be a person who thinks that in order to be happily in a relationship, I will be in a continuous search. With a "characteristics list" in mind, I exposed myself in environments where I can find potential guys. By potential, I meant if I could only check out at least one or two characteristic from my list, I found it okay. I always thought I can "fix" them. I drove myself crazy with the sustained eye contacts, assuming what could it have meant, analyzing the text messages and why were they left unanswered, going on "dates" that I refused to call dates just because I was unsure of the person I was dating, and just literally obsessing over it. On the surface I looked calm and collected, but deep inside I was just hungry for the attention thinking to myself why it was so hard to just love someone and be loved the way I wanted to be loved. I was always in a "searching" mindset. I was so into the idea of having a relationship just for the sake of having it that I missed the whole point.
After a series of heartbreaks and disappointments, I finally broke free from this way of thinking and just started "being". If I searched and searched, it only meant that I was focusing on the person I want to meet. But that made me think, am I really ready to meet this person? If I want to meet a godly man, how is my spiritual growth? If I want to meet a hardworking person, how am I performing in my job? If I want to meet a person who listens, appreciates and respects me, how are those attitudes shining in my own life when I interact with other people?
So I decided to develop right habits since this year started. I decided to commit on improving my overall wellness--physical, mental, spiritual, emotional and social. I dedicated at least half an hour of my day in working out, being mindful of the food I ate, drinking my vitamins regularly. I decided that I should spend more time reading books, articles, and attending seminars that will increase my knowledge in my profession. I always try to invest time and resources for my family and friends. I also committed in reading and studying the Bible, going to group meetings and attending Sunday services with my family. I have to pray about ministry, since my heart is not yet set on where I should put my abilities to use for God. I have to develop a more patient and persevering attitude in my work and I've yet to develop coping with my anxieties and other negative emotions/thoughts.
Although I don't believe in the idea that I should just stop "searching" all together and hide under a rock and just wait for "God's best", I believe that it's not just about searching, it shouldn't be what singlehood is for the most part. For me now, it's going to be mostly about "being". It's a season of discovering myself, pursuing my dreams and doing what God wants for my life.
